Jersey Shore Recap

Thanks for the recap, B! 

The only things certain in life are death and taxes...:  And Ronnie crying.

“Listening to Mike about relationships is like listening to a sailor fly an airplane”:  Or like you giving advice on the Violence Against Women Act Ronnie.

(Record scratching...):  Hey look...we're at...Sammie's...Mom's...house.  I thought you left.

Jack of all trades:  Sitch is very versatile.  He can be uncle sitch, chef sitch, and bang-a-girl sitch.  Easy on that last one Mike, you don't spend much time in the smoosh room...

 

In honor of President's Day:  How many presidents could the entire J Shore cast name in 10 minutes?  Could they get past Obama?

You're getting soft Ronnie:  The girls are taking Sam's side, are you gonna take that?  Throw some stuff around!  Maybe you could start with Snooki...

Maybe it was when you threw her bed while she was still on it?:  You think you destroyed the relationship Ron? 

Like a tanner, greasier, drunker version of summer camp:  Prank War!

And also a lamer, dumber version of summer camp:  Cool pranks guys.  You're hiding dog poop pads under each others pillows and hanging a stuffed animal off the balcony?

Signs your prank war sucks:  Your best prank was thwarted by two midgets hiding under their beds

More signs your prank war sucks:  Your second best prank is ruined by the Snitchuation.

And the loser is...:  The viewers.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ:  Sorry, I passed out from all the boringness.

Worst Super Mario Sequel:  Some Italian plumbers get to save a princess, others get to save the house from Ronnie's gigantic turd.

Side Effects include...:  I don't think clogging toilets is a side effect of steroids, but has anyone check the label for the side effects to the diet supplement Ronnie is endorsing??

Correction, here's the worst Super Mario sequel:  Ronnie locks himself in the t-shirt shop bathroom to cry.  Again.

Things I could have gone without:  Knowing Snooki has to poop.

More things I could have gone without:  Knowing that Snooki has a tiny turtle in her pants.

No matter how hard you try:  I'm really not going to see Big Mommas Like Father Like Son.

And we would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and that dog:  The girls move all of Sammie's things downstairs while Ronnie is out.  Surprisingly, he figures it out pretty quickly.

Deena, It's a good thing you're cute...err that's not right...it's a good thing you're dumb...:  So you can be on reality TV, otherwise I don't know how you'd make a living.  Your attempt to lie about hiding Sammie's things was just terrible.

I'm sorry I destroyed all your stuff:  Please accept these three dozen roses (pink, red, and white!).  You know, better play it safe, I did break her glasses.  Let's throw in a balloon, chocolates, and a teddy bear.  We good now?

Poopapolooza continues:  Now Deena is backed up.  Quick Ron, get her some Xenadrine!

Even more things I could have gone without:  All Snooki needs to get her butthole flowing like a freakin rainstorm is some coffee.

Paging Scooby Doo and Ronnie:  It's time to solve the mystery of the Dirty Underwear.  We know it's not Snooki's, because there's no bronzer in it.  It's also not one of Vinny's girls, because they're skanks and go commando.

Ohhh, it's bros before hoes:  Really Mike, you're trying to pull the robbery on Pauly D's ex?  Weren't you the guy talking about human code last week?

There's nothing like a first impression:  Unless that second impression involves you banging Snooki, getting called the wrong name by Snooki mid-hook up, and having the boys interrupt your session to remind them how you cock-blocked Vinny with his cousin.  Should have stuck with the first impression Bernard.

After further review:  Can we get these kids some more booze, or drugs, or maybe a schizophrenic roommate because I'm seriously getting bor...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz