Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

New week, new Jersey Shore recap from B!  *FISTPUMP*
Best. News. Ever:  Ronnie and Sam are breaking up!
On second thought:  This is going to mean 30 more minutes of air time devoted to Ronnie and Sam.
Although for every dark cloud, there is a silver lining:  Ronnie's gonna cry!  A lot.
Obi-wan Situation:  Apparently all you need to do to make Ronnie shut up is apologize and change the topic.  Would that have been too hard Sam?  I don't care if you crossed your fingers every time so it never would count, but it would have saved us a lot of time from listening to you two.
If Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, Jerseyites must be from Uranus :  "I got girls cooking me dinner.  I've been with you for one year and how many times have you cooked for me.  Not once, because you're a uesless, spoiled bitch!"  (Editor's note:  Huh?)
For the last time people:  Ronnie doesn't want pizza or cotton candy, he wants a protein shake! 
Sometimes it's easy to forget the real victims in these situations:  Pauly D's sneakers are dirty!
"The staircase is really small, and the bed is large.  It's an analogy of Vinny's penis going in my pin whole.":  I'm completely stunned...Snooki knows what an analogy is???
Nothing like trying to enrage a guy with a Napoleon complex and a bad case of roid rage:   Ronnie and Sam get into another fight, and to prove his point, he throws all of Sam's things out of her closet.   I know what you're thinking, does he really need to throw her things around?  You're absiolutely right, but if you keep that talk up Ronnie is going to come to your house and throw things around as well.  So pipe down.
What are the odds something bad could happen at a place named Aztec?:  I'm going to ignore how proud the Aztecs would be to know they didn't die in vain.  Sammi decides to go to the same bar Ronnie is at to meet "hot guys" in an effort to make him jealous.  This will end well ...
Hey Ron, do you know the side effects of steriods?:  Here's one, breast tissue can grow in men.  I'm just saying those pecs do seem a little flabby.
And can increase baldness...:  You are starting to thin some on the top.
Of course there are violent outbursts:  Hey Ron I totally agree, Sam won't get the message if you throw her clothes all over the floor.  Hell, you did that last week and look what happened at Aztec.  I think you need to really let her know how you feel.  How about you break as much of her stuff as possible?  Oh, you already did that?   Nevermind then, carry on.
At least he doesn't have acne, which is another side effect:  Wait a minute...
Or bacne:  Uh......
And steriods can stunt your growth:  (head shaking)
This doesn't loo...oh no, more rage!:  Yeah Ron, I thought that bed frame was talking shit to you the whole time also.  Good call putting it outside.
Pssst, Ron, one other thing you should know about steriods, they can shrink your balls:  Sammie, can you verify please?
I don't think that's what respect means:  Cheating on your girlfriend behind her back does not seem respectful, despite how many times you claim it does.
While you're looking up respect...:  You should probably check out the definition of embarrassment, because you should definitely be embarrassed.
Oooh, speaking of embarrassing:  Even the girls who work the day shift at a strip club wouldn't wear the outfit JWoww got for Roger.
Cabs are finally here:  Sammie decides she is going home.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out girl.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again:  Except in this case Sammie and Ron.  How about you don't try again.  You're officially the worst couple ever, even beating out the time Zack dated Torry motorcycle chick in the bizarro last season of Saved by the Bell.  That says something, because she sucked...
Right back at you pal:  Ronnie regrets it all (I assume for his worthless life).

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