Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Return of the Jersey Shore Recaps

It's been quite a while since the last one, but my friend B has taken on the admirable task of hilariously recapping the current season of Jersey Shore, one episode at a time.  RECAPS ARE HEREEEEEEEEEEE (DJ Pauly D voice, natch).  Take it away, B!:

Time to update your Facebook relationship status to "it's complicated":  Ronnie and Sammi get into a relationship altering fight because Ronnie talked to his buddy's wife...that or Sammi has a fear of C-sections.  I really didn't care enough

Oh come on, this has to be a dealbreaker: "You brought me piece of a pizza...not a protein shake?"  (Editor's note:  I think that's actually a dealbreaker for Sammi)

Uh...easy on the steroids there Ron:  Sammi threatens to leave Seaside, so Ronnie violently empties her closet to help her pack.  I'm no doctor, but I think we call that 'roid rage  (By the way Sam, how did you not notice your entire wardrobe sitting in the middle of the floor?  Again, I'm no doctor, but I think we call that being a dumbass)

Hmmm, maybe we should make that status "single":  Uh oh, Ronnie is talking to JWoww.  Hopefully Sammi will react in a mature and responsible manner...

Well, so much for mature and responsible...:  Sammi just clocked Ronnie in the jaw.  Time for MTV to get the "it's not funny to punch someone" PSA rolling.

Can I get the definition of "keeping it real" Ronnie:  Because that was a lot of crying.

I also need a definition of "family":  Why the the hell was Ryder in the family meeting to convince Sammi to stay?  Can the Situation's girl join in also?  What about Roger?  Can we put J420 and Joey Yanks on speakerphone?

So...you killed 30 minutes of air time and you're not going to break up?:  We glossed over Ryder ("Season 1 Guest Star MVP") visiting town fresh off screwing Vinny, the stripper pole (which I can only imagine will win "Season 2 Guest Star MVP") and the possibility of a  Ryder-Snooki-Vinny threesome so we could watch Ronnie and Sam not break up.  MTV owes me an apology and a protein shake!

Mother of the year?:  Sammi's mom, I would probably let my drunk and crying daughter sleep it off as well, but I'm not sure I would ignore the part where she hit a guy who takes steriods and has zero emotional stability

Movie I can't wait not to see:  Big Mommas Like Father Like Son

Best use of a vuvuzela:  Grenade whistle!

Worst use of a vuvuzela:  Any other time you're using a vuvuzela

Seems about right:  Plan B advertises on Jersey Shore.  The only thing more fitting would be if pedophilia was sponsored by paneled vans and promises of candy.

Yeah, the stereotype is totally unfair...:
   So Vinny's girl Gina is of Sicillian descent...and was at Karma with her 50-ish year old uncle...and someone named Nicky Ducks... ...and they were all wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts... and had enough hair gel to put Pauly D to shame... and then the uncle randomly shows up at the JShore house with a small entourage to force Gina to go home.  I know Italian groups are mad about how the show portrays them, but all that was missing in this scenario were two plumbers named Mario and Luigi
Someone didn't read Romeo and Juliet:  Getting cock blocked by Tony Danza isn't the same thing as Romeo and Juliet.  It's not even like an episode of Who's the Boss...
Sammi's back-handed apology to her roommates: "It turns out you guys are cool and good people". 

What Sammi actually meant by her apology:  "I want to be famous and not have to actually work for money, so I'm going to pretend to be your friends so I don't get kicked off like everyone wants.  I mean, does anyone even know where Angelina is now?"

I wish I could have been in the production meeting for Deena's fetish:  So, uh...can we say "rim job" on the air?

Well, it is MTV...:  You can't say rim job, but you can give hints including "it got cleaned out in the hot tub"
Be careful what you wish for Deena...:
  It's probably a good idea not to tear Dean a new asshole, considering you like giving...well, you know.

No comments:

Post a Comment