Thursday, October 27, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Here with the finale recap is The Unit... I mean B!

Another disappointing season of Jersey Shore came to an end, and the only thing more disappointing than the final episode had to be the crappy reunion show that followed.   There haven’t been any recaps lately and I apologize for it.  I was in such tropical locations as Burlington, Vermont and Toledo, Ohio the past few weeks, and writing a recap was really difficult.  Plus, the show sucks.  It’s terrible.  Once the novelty of retards in a foreign country wore out, I stopped caring.   We went from focusing on one shitty relationship (alleged-hitter Ronnie and confirmed-pain-in-the-ass Sam), to another (future-Betty-Ford Clinic-patient Snooki and standard- Italian-stereotype Jionni).  And for reasons beyond me, we focused on the lesbian meatballs instead of the bromance.  It’s all bewildering.  Each episode didn’t deserve its own recap, so here are some general observations from the past four worthless weeks. 
You’re a Playboy photo shoot away from being Lindsey Lohan:  Snooki, I appreciated the remorse you showed for your actions that pissed off Jionni.  I especially appreciated that after Jionni told you how stupid you get when you drink that you proceeded to wake up the next day and drink beer…by yourself…in a bar…during the middle of the afternoon.  At least you didn’t do something stupid like fuck Vinny an hour after you were on a break with Jionni… 
I’d rather get it in with Pauly D:  Of course I’m talking about Vinny.  WTF man?  Why are you even cuddling with Snooki.   Did your genitals accidentally end up combining like two puzzle pieces?   I know you guys are having a dry spell over there, but this is no time for slump busting!
As innocent as Casey Anthony:   Vinny claimed he only did Snooki because he didn’t realize she was inebriated.   That’s a fair statement, because Snooki is a great drunk.  Jionni broke up with her over political views, not because she was a sloppy mess.   And it’s not like Vinny has spent any time around her when she’s drunk to deduce that on his own. 
I’m no Inspector Gadget…:    But doesn’t alcohol smell on one’s breathe?   We all know Snooki doesn’t do mints unless it’s shots of Rumplemintz…
It’s called Google bro:  I can’t imagine that Jionni met Nicole and never checked out an episode of this show to see what she was like.  I spent 30 minutes watching HGTV at midnight yesterday because some idiot was trying to buy a giant condo in Washington, DC and I knew the neighborhood.  Don’t tell me you had no idea your girlfriend was a bigger wreck than the Titanic and the Hindenburg combined.   It’s shocking that you’re shocked by her behavior.  You should be more shocked that Amy Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning than this…
Someone has a bad Napoleon complex :  Get over yourself Jionni.  I bet your family’s waste management company is doing well, but somehow Snooki has at least 15 more minutes of fame.  Quit trying to change her.  Enjoy the MTV money train (and then the VH1 Celebrity Rehab money train), before Nicole ends up looking like Selma from the Simpsons.
Apparently Snooki didn’t get the moral of the story:  Who doesn’t double-fist mimosas and pass out on wine barrels.  Hey Mike, open your fly, I think you have a chance again…
It’s like finding out Bruce Willis was dead before seeing the Sixth Sense:  Hey MTV, the drama about Jionni/Snooki is super real as Snooki tweets during the breakup episode that she and Jionni are back together…
Maybe the real problem is you’re just idiots:  There aren’t Guidoproblems or meatballsproblems.  Can we drop the whole bit please? 
Things I don’t believe:  Deena says she is a good time in bed.  No man would enjoy having sex with that leprechaun unless she promised them a pot of gold in advance.
I thought Italians only revolted against mafia snitches:  At one bar the crowd starts yelling shame and “piece of shit” at the entire cast.  And this comes from people who elected a Prime Minister that loves hookers!
Even the Gaddafi family feels bad (too soon?):  Seriously, it must be fun for Jionni to watch Snooki and Deena get hammered everyday and pass out all over what they think is Rome.
That sound is a collective yawn from the viewers:   Sam and Jenni are friends now
Things I don’t really care about:   Snooki and JWoww fighting about being a good friend.  Snooki, JWoww spent all night in stripper heels chasing down Jionni.  Although she didn’t find him, it’s still more work then you did.  Quit throwing a tantrum every time she doesn’t pat you on the head and say “that’s a good lush”.
Things I do really care about:  Sammi and Deena, can we stop referring to Unit as “The Unit”.   If he got a medical degree would we call him Dr. Unit?  I don’t think so.  None of these stupid Jersey nicknames deserve a definitive article.  I’m sure Wikipedia can explain what it is…  
Cancel the Amber Alert:  Apparently T is dead.
As for Ronnie, Sam, and JWoww:  I. Don’t. Care.
Last and absolutely least:  Mike, just shut the fuck up.  You’re like the Shores’ version of Lindsey Lohan.  You’re not a victim, and you’re not famous.  So please stop trying.  I shouldn’t give you the attention, but let’s break down your faults the past few weeks:
  • What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now Dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul:  I don’t know what rat you were sniffing out with your little “I told Unit to call Jionni” prank.  Sam and JWoww told you they were telling Snooki what you said.  If it wasn’t for Snooki and Deena being pumped about their prank involving putting plants on the kitchen table, this would be the stupidest thing to happen.   You’re either deaf, don’t know what “rat” means, or too stupid to realize that you are the rat by concocting this whole plan.
  • Which came first, the idiot or reality programming:  Mike would fight a toddler if it could get him airtime.  And MTV would be dumb enough to give him that airtime…
  • I’d say it’s because you’re an asshole:   Stop sitting around moping all the time because no one likes you.  And quit saying things like they gang up on you because you’re so strong.  If you want them to like you, start doing likeable things. 
  • Signs you might want to look for a new place to live:  You got punched in the face by a roommate, rammed your head into a wall to avoid fighting that same roommate, had a champagne bottle thrown at you by a roommate, and most embarrassingly, a spatula thrown at you by another roommate.  Way to set feminism back 30 years with that last one Deena…
  • Scared straight?:  If Ronnie is telling you to quit being a jerk, you should know something is wrong.
  • I don’t think the crickets even chirped:  Mike says he’s not going to Jersey next summer because no one wants him there.   No one seems to mind…
  • Once again, it’s so meta:  It must be depressing to realize that the only way you can get on TV is to tell people you don’t want to be on TV.
  • Can we change your nickname to The Postpartum:  That six pack really looks like a c-section scar now…
  • Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for the scumbags, every one of them that I know:  Hey, I think Kanye is talking about Situation in this song
  • As evil as Frankenberry:  Mike just figured out that villains make for great TV…
On that note, I will leave MTV with three suggestions for future of Jersey Shore:
1)  Get rid of this cast, and bring in a whole new set of Guidos.
Newsflash:  No one actually cares about these people, and will be more than willing to forget them to watch fresh faces make mistakes.  This group went from using trash bags as a suitcase to Louie Vuitton luggage.  It’s time for a change.  Just think, you could spin off a whole new Challenge series as well.  Jersey Shore vs. Real World/Road Rules.  The steroids market alone could bring us out this recession…
2)  If you must keep this cast, focus on the best relationship
That’s right, I’m talking about Louie and Tony.  They are actually entertaining (see http://youtu.be/sOcGMxkYayA for proof).  I thought that was the point of TV.  While we’re at it, cancel the spinoff with Snooki and JWoww.   Young women do not need to see these two idiots in action unless you’re worried you’ll run out of future “Teen Mom” casts.  If you follow my first rec, I promise you will never run into that problem.
3)  Find some competent After Show hosts
When did the only qualification become “boobs”?  I miss Daisy Fuentes…
Now that we have that cleared up, once again I want to give a quick shout out to loyal reader and friend Dan McCaffrey for letting me run bad jokes by him and editing this wonderful email (assuming I write it).  If everyone had a friend like Dan (someone who understands punctuation, but also loves crap like Jersey Shore and YouTube rap videos) the world would be a better place.  Ciao Italy!  Hopefully we’ll all be like Mike and only threaten not to follow you to Jersey…

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