Friday, April 1, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

And so it has come time to say goodbye to the Jersey Shore cast once again... here's B with the finale recap!

Someone's pants are on fire:  Arvin says he made out with Sam.  Sam says they did not.
Sam's sinking faster than Two and a Half Men:  Sam is a terrible liar.  She clearly made out with Arvin.  If Sam were a spy during the Cold War, we'd all be speaking Russian right now.

Technically that's plural:  Sam fesses up to making out with Arvin when she was 21, or as she puts it "years ago".  Sam is 23...

Revisitionist history is the best kind of history:  Agreed Ronnie, Sam totally screwed you over in this relationship.

I'll one-up you here Ron, I'm embarrassed for both of you:  Why are you talking about getting back together???  Do you both need to be abused, sad, and hated by an entire country that badly?
As badass as Donkeylips from "Salute Your Shorts":  Ronnie wears a t-shirt from the other Jersey Shore t-shirt store (The Rush shop), and takes a 4 hour nap since he's not working on his last day.

This totally makes up for the toilet:  Danny throws an end-of-summer BBQ for the kids.  They make you famous, and you thank them with an invitation to your house with working toilets???

Uh, Papa JWoww you might want to get a paternity test:  I know JWoww is 92% plastic, but are we sure this is her real dad?

You can only make a first impression once:  Way to look your finest Roger.  I know Papa JWoww looks like he's into sci-fi and Magic the Gathering, but that's no excuse to look like a parolee.

Pauly D's friend "Big Jerry" does a killer worm, but not as good as my friend Edward McCaffrey:  There is no joke to this one.  I just wanted to give Eddo a shout out for his killer worm abilities.

Relationships 101:  Everyone knows Mike is a d-bag Sam, but I don't think you're in a position to make demands to Ronnie right now.

Lower back tattoo?  Might as well be a bullseye:  Deena brings her friend Lisa into town, and even though you can't see if she has a lower back tattoo, her attraction to Vinny all but confirms it.  (The other giveaway is that she is from Jersey)
I didn't see Vinny cockblock you with Uncle Nino:  Deena cockblocks Vinny with Lisa because she's worried that Snooki will be upset.

Take it easy there Champ.  Why don't you stop talking for a while:  Vinny gets pissed at Deena for the cockblock, and blows the whole situation out of proportion.  You can give the horse cock a rest for one night buddy.  You shouldn't pick on Deena unless you're ready to drop an A-bomb...

Oh no you di’int (feel free to insert your own craptacular 90's phrase):  Vinny compares Deena to Angelina...Mayhem ensues.

How about we drop in "all that and a bag of chips":  Deena's friend takes Vinny's side in the argument, because she wants to join the select group of girls who have banged a Jersey Shore guy on camera.

I don't know how you don't know this Sam:  You really don't know if you can trust or believe Mike?   My dog could figure that out, and last night he mistook a dresser drawer for his dog bed.

And remember, death is not an option:  Being called "Angelina" or being called "Ron and Sam"?

At least give her credit for wearing underwear:  Snooki does a kooka-test in the mirror.  Fails.  Does nothing to fix it.

Of course you see Roger from 50 feet away JWoww:   Even Stevie Wonder would see Roger from 50 feet away.  Someone who looks like a tattoo covered hairless Big Foot tends to stick out.

Relationships 102:  Ron and Sam, please take note that everyone was happy for Roger and JWoww when they became exclusive.  That's a good sign for a relationship, even if people stopped asking each other to go steady once the calendar hit 1960 and they got out of middle school.

Just asking:  Did anyone else check how many of their friends knew what the dip is?  Or was that just me?

Barefoot, not pregnant, and in the kitchen:  Great work by Dr. Nick.  He gets a second appearance on the show, has Snooki cook him a grilled cheese, makes demands about how she cooks that grilled cheese, and avoids having to sleep with that gnome thanks to a sudden case of whiskey dick.  Well played, Dr. Pauly D Wannabe.  Well played.

For the record:  Not having to bang Snooki is the only reason a guy is thankful for whiskey dick.

Is it opposite day:  Why does everyone on the Shore insist on eating fatty, greasy food before having sex? 

Shit or get off the pot:  Quit telling me you're "done" if you plan on getting into another huge fight about being a couple.   Maybe it's time to stop being a couple. You're keeping the entire house up for crying out loud.  If it weren't for Ronnie's violent outbursts, I would think MTV was replaying the same fight over and over.  These two get along worse than the Arab world and democracy.  Too soon?
Damn right you're real Ronnie:  You say so in the Xenadrine commercial.  Plus you've gone like three episodes in a row without crying.  That's totally keeping it re...crap.

Hey, you guys finally agree on something.  This sounds like something to build your relationship on...:  Unfortunately you both agree dating one another is your biggest regret.  Hey, it's a start!

Another surprisingly accurate analogy:  Mike compares Ronnie and Sam's relationship to the dog-shit stained rug.  I knew JWoww's dogs served a purpose this season.

Man MTV, I hope you recap that whole Ronnie-Sammie fight, because we need more of that:  That was sarcasm guys.

With friends like these, who needs enemies:  Because if this is how you get along with your best friend Ronnie and Sam, I would hate to see how your enemies treat you.

You're kidding me...:  Yes Sam, we know you're not sensitive and lovey dovey.  I would also suggest throwing in "nice", "not annoying", and "less cuddly than the poisonous cobra that just escaped from the Bronx Zoo".

I've found the one thing less likely than Ron and Sam making it as a couple:  Ron and Sam being best friends when they are not a couple

Better late than never...:  Does not apply in this situation.  Ron breaks up with Sam in the last five minutes of the season.  We had to suffer through 26 episodes before you could figure this out.

Paging Hollywood execs:  Vinny and Snooki are "friends with benefits".   They should make a movie around this novel concept...

Obama is sweating:  Snooki - Deena in 2012!  The economy will be fixed, everyone will be tan, and all radios will play house music.   Key takeway:  Even Snooki knows the old campaign slogan "it's the economy stupid".

Final takeaways:  Ronnie uses protein powder as a decoy since he's clearly on steroids.  Apparently cuddling with Roger is as sanitary as sleeping on a used shore House mattress since JWoww doesn't have sheets on her bed.  New Jersey is one big toilet because no one seems the slightest bit fazed that the dogs shit in the house.  Snooki does not get the point of the video camera, since she says she would take Ron over Sam for next year.

Special Shout-out:  I want to recognize my buddy Dan McCaffrey (wormin’ Eddo's older bro) for looking these emails over before they go out.  He knows exactly what parts to fix, and tells me when things are falling flat.  Thanks for that buddy.  I'll see you all for season 4 in Italy!

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