Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Woohoo- another Jersey Shore recap from B! At least reading this won't make you want to concuss yourself a la The Situation...

Sorry I missed last week’s episode.  I was all set to write one, but I smashed my head into the wall after Ron and Sam talked about getting back together, and when I woke up it was a week later.
Can someone pull Ron aside and explain to him what pride is:  Ron decides to swallow his “pride” and apologizes to Sam for…hell, do you really care why he’s apologizing?  If they replaced the 15 minutes of Ron and Sam fighting and apologizing with clips from Teen Mom, would you really be upset?  Let’s just move on…
It’s like any good abusive relationship:  Oh right, I forgot this part.   Even though Ron threw away everything of value he gave to Sam, he backtracked and told her he loves her.  What’s sadder, the fact that an 8 year old could handle this relationship better, that Sam went dumpster diving like 12 times, or that these two still think they could be a couple.
Where’s the Tea Party when you really need them?:  Why don’t Vinny and Pauly D get more air time?  They hit up the confessional for a hilarious take on Mike’s “injury” (he’s still in the neck brace).   Here’s a question, would you prefer half an episode devoted to the Italian version of Ike and Tina, or half an episode of Vinny and Pauly riffing on current events?   This demands action people! 
I don’t think you realize what Italy is known for:  Mike says he wants to go home because he can’t GTL.
Can we get an Amber Alert for T?:  The lack of tanning is really starting to concern me.   If JWoww starts losing her tan, I’m worried someone is going to mistake her for one of those skeleton models they use in medical schools.
Even the pot and the kettle are embarrassed by this one:  JWoww calls out Mike for milking his head/neck injury.  For those scoring at home, that makes three fame whores calling out a fourth fame whore for “milking it”.
Maybe they can blur Mike’s face like they blur his Abercrombie logo:  Mike cries to Ron because he can’t do anything for himself.   What part of a neck sprain prevents you from doing laundry, cooking dinner, and degrading women?
While we’re on the subject of degrading women:  Where’s Britney I in all of this?   Does she not date the handicapable?
Cue the Rocky theme song:  After the pep talk with Ron, the Situation decides he has had enough.  He is going to stand up and not be helpless! Absentee fathers, you should have locked your daughters up, because the man no self-respecting woman would date is back!
Hey padre, this isn’t exactly Eve we’re talking about:  As Snooki walks past a church, a priest yells at Snooki for her short clothing, and tells her to cover-up.  Trust me; she’s not tempting anyone…
Jesus must be so pissed that he died for this…:   According to Snooki, God made her breasts, so he would want her to show them. 
I think she could just say “(insert name of body part) didn’t make mine”:   JWoww points out God did not make her boobs
Geez, Tiger and Elin would be less awkward:   Jionni doesn’t like his girlfriend drunk.   He also doesn’t like talking about sex.   On top of that, he doesn’t like when Snooki says stupid things...apparently Jionni never met Snooki before agreeing to be her boyfriend.
This is so meta:  Pauly D and Vinny create Guido toolbag alter-egos named “Joey D and Louie”.  I bet he can’t get any real screen time either… 
GTL is sooooo Season 1:  Fist Pump, pushups, chapstick (FPC!)
Get your own material:  Hey Vinnie, don’t steal my joke about smashing your head into the wall because of Ron and Sam!  Not cool bro…not cool
Sign 14,104,568 your relationship might now work out:   It’s easier to lie to your girlfriend on camera and let her see the footage than tell the truth in the moment.   Sam, I’m assuming you can count (big reach on my part), so you know that Ron called that girl more than once
I believe the term you’re looking for is nightmare:  Ron wakes up and goes to bed thinking of Sam…(shudder)
It’s not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your testicles and let your dog lick it off…because it’s your dog:   Ron defends bringing the phone number by saying he didn’t invite a girl to come from the club.  I’m no Sam expert thankfully, but I’m pretty sure she’ll be just as pissed that you invited a girl to fly over the Atlantic to visit you.
Well since you’re listening, may I suggest a murder/suicide:   Vinny calls Ron and Sam out for fighting. 
Where is Amanda Knox when you need her?:  I’m starting to think the only way this Ron and Sam thing is going to end with someone going nuts and taking them out.
I thought you were joking.  I even wrote about it in my diary.   “Sammi had a very funny joke today.”  I laughed about it later that night:  Ron and Sam are back together.  If I was a betting man, I would bet they break up by the next episode.
JWoww on hearing Jionni doesn’t like drunk girls (This also doubles as the most intelligent thing I have heard this season from anyone):  You don’t want someone who drinks…you’re dating Snooki
Ron, while we’re explaining pride to you, let’s take a minute and talk about irony:   Ronnie gives relationship advice to Snooki.  I know what you’re thinking.   “Ronnie?  Really?   The small guy who gets mad a lot?   That Ronnie?  Isn’t that like David Hasselhoff giving advice on sobriety or not eating food of the floor? “ 
I say to-mato, you say to-moto.  I say potato, you say we hooked up:  Snooki confronts Mike about their alleged hookup…again.   Nothing is resolved…again.   I almost would rather watch Ron and Sam discuss their “relationship” than watch this.
On second thought:  Sam declares this is the “last and final time for Ron and Sam”.  I feel like the jilted ex boyfriend who keeps holding out hope their girlfriend means it this time.   Is it really the last time?  Do you mean it?  I know I shouldn’t believe, but I’m holding out hope for one more time!
I have a friend from Jersey nicknamed Crazy Legs!:  Weird I didn’t hear from him after Ronnie said he had them also (Editor’s note:  I just wanted to give my buddy Eddo a shout out.  You’re always the original crazy legs buddy…the people’s crazy legs also)
The War on Guido:  Some Italian club girls start a fight with the meatballs.  If Italian stereotypes were true, the Italians would jump on a turtle, and shoot the shell in the direction of Deena and Snooki to defeat them.
Kick his ass Seabass!:    In all the confusion, Deena attacks Snooki .   Thank god Ronnie wasn’t there, since he is just as short and thick as Deena, Snooki might have attacked him too.
As comfortable as an enema:   Snooki drunk dials Jionni. 
A woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!:   Ron gets on the phone to speak with Jionni.  I just figured he gave the same advice Homer Simpson gave Bart about women.
Sign 19,452,580 you’re relationship might not work out:  Snooki’s boyfriend tells you to F off as you’re giving relationship advice.  Seriously, the guy dates Snooki, and he doesn’t respect you.  
Even Burlusconi would turn this down:   Elis the waiter comes over because he obviously has a thing for gremlins.  
I’d hate to Elis’s when his parents tucked you into bed:  Elis has a hickey…from “like his sister”.  Deena sends Elis home.  I know what you’re all thinking.  Huh, I would have guessed Elis would have been the one to end that.
Remember, death is not an option:  Scenes about Snooki and Jionni fighting, or scenes of Ronnie and Sam fighting?
It’s a Jionnivention!:  JWoww, Ronnie, and Sam try to tell Snooki she needs to drop Jionni because they think he treats her poorly.   This intervention isn’t fun.  How about we write it in an anonymous letter?   Or get Joey D and Louie to do it.  At least that way it wouldn’t make it on the air, and we wouldn’t be subjected to this shit.  I’m going to hit my head into the wall again…

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