Friday, September 30, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Another RECAP SON AQUI! by B:

Typical of “the Man”:  I totally agree Snooki, you’re a nice person and shouldn’t be hasseled by the police.  You know, even if you rammed your car into the back of theirs…
Europeans are too soft on crime:  You only banned Snooki from driving and fined her a lot?   This was your best chance to boot them all!
For those of you keeping score at home:   Jionni is coming to Italy, but Roger is not because he couldn’t get out of work
I didn’t know garbage men had such tight strict working conditions:  How does Roger screw this up and not get permission to go to Italy?  And how does he find out two days before he’s supposed to leave?
I am shocked:  JWoww still has tear ducts?
Being vice president is not worth a warm bucket of spit:  No Ronnie = MVP, with Ronnie = Mr. VP.  Thanks for downgrading everyone Ron…
She must have had a layover in Antarctica:  Snooki it did not take 24 hours to get to Italy
She should start demanding appearance fees:   Britney I is back!  This girl’s an idiot.  She honestly likes Mike.  In about two years all his money is going to be gone, so you shouldn’t cancel those pole dancing classes yet…
It’s the international version of Punk’d:   Snooki plays a prank on Mike and tells Britney I to wait in his bed.  Meanwhile, Mike brings a girl home.  Of course the prank backfired…Mike doesn’t care who he has sex with, and Britney I has the self-esteem level of Precious.
Someone needs to eat a mushroom ASAP:  Jionni is really…short
I’d think he’d want to do that after to wash away the shame:  Snooki wants to smush, but Jionni wants to shower
Things no one needed to know:  Jionni has a tan weiner
He’s got the look of Daniel LaRusso and the moves of Hillary Swank:  Mike de-stresses by doing karate moves. 
Maybe she thought it was amateur night at a strip club:  Uh Snooki…why are you lifting your dress up on the dance floor?
Thank god it can’t get any worse…:  Uh…snooki why are you showing your vagina to everyone on the dance floor?
Good thing she didn’t get to the trick involving the ping pong balls:  Jionni storms out of the club.  After quickly redressing, Nicole takes off after Jionni…and falls.  Again.
Solidarity sister!:  Deena stumbles right after
It’s right foot, then left foot:  Is using your feet that hard?  Even Lt. Dan walked better than you two
What are the odds this works:  Good call JWoww.  I would try and reason with a drunk Snooki during a meltdown.  
If you give someone a reality check who lacks any sense of reality, did it happen?:  Seriously JWoww, what reality check are you going to give Snooki.   Ten minutes ago she said she was getting c-sections so she wouldn’t mess up her vagina.   There’s a website called for crying out loud.  
Remember, death is not an option:  Watching Snooki melt down over Jionni or listing to Mike blabber on and on about how Jionni knows too much and is looking at him funny
No seriously, what are the odds this works:  Ron, know you’re limitations.   You’re not going to dunk a basketball even on a child’s hoop.  You probably wouldn’t score 1000 on your SATs, and yes I am factoring in the test is out of 2400.  I wouldn’t try and chase down Jionni to convince him to not be mad at Snooki.
And then Ronnie had an epiphany:  Jionni tells Ronnie he has to walk away because Snooki is acting like a single girl
Paging Google Maps:  Hate to break it to you JWoww, but Florence is 39.5 square miles (thank you Wikipedia).  You might want to rethink this whole walking the streets to find Jionni.
Name me five bigger tragedies:  Vinny and Sammi don’t have their own Wikipedia pages.   How is this possible?
Five year olds across America are embarrassed by you:  Snooki has a temper tantrum on the street, because as you might have heard, she doesn’t deserve this.
You know, you’re dating Snooki right:  Pauly D and Vinny say Jionni should know this stuff will happen
Sounds like JWoww had a reality check with Sam also:   Sam figures out that people don’t like when couples get into fights in front of them
Who needs the reality check now JWoww:  Yes, this was Ron and Sam last year…it was also Ron and Sam the year before…and this year…and next year.
“See ya. You’re single.”:  Jionni returns and wants nothing to do with Nicole.  Somehow it took her flashing her cooka.  Of all the things that could have led to a breakup, that would have been near the bottom of my list.   I figured anyone who dated Snooki would be into that.   He packs his bags and is heading back to Jersey.
There’s more than an airport in Florence??:  Jionni is such an ass clown.  Who comes to visit their girlfriend in Italy, and then leaves the same day because they get into a fight.   If Mike is calling you a wanksta, you must suck.
Is there a Wyclef Jean song Jionni could listen to?:   While we’re at it, who dates Snooki and gets mad when she gets into “default” mode?  Of course she wants to strip in public.  She’s the perfect candidate to work the day shift in a strip club one day.   Quit acting like you met her in church.
Paula Abdul was right:  Spoiler alert, Snooki and Jionni are back together now.   Still unknown, why was the opposite of Paula an animated cat?
Watch the language Snooki:   Don’t speak in absolutes…it makes it harder to deny things later.  In the end, you probably cheated.

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