Like watching an Italian version of George and Lennie from “Of Mice and Men”…ya know, if Lennie were a midget: Geez Ron, quit yelling Riccione like Pauly D would at the pizzeria. You’re scaring the customers
I’m not gonna lie: I never thought I would use a literary reference with Jersey Shore. Same goes for the word Riccione…
And while I’m at it, I’m taking my ball and going home: Jionni is no longer coming to Italy because Ron, and Sam, and Deena, and JWoww were all mean to him
Jionni, you um, watched the show before, right?: Just making sure, because I’m pretty sure you just told Snooki “you guys are crazy. Everyone one of you guys is absolutely out of your mind”
Pop quiz, you’re going to the beach for one night. How many pieces of luggage do you need: One? Hahahaha. The correct answer is 27
Better question, how many idiots does it take to pack for one day at the beach: Vinny ponders the age old question…how many Guidos does it take to put luggage on a car?
A new low in the history of Italian sexual harassment: Deena Jersey turnpikes on the Firenza turnpike.
Well... it's very impressive, yes: Technically, Snooki is right. A continent does border on an ocean.
I’m not gonna lie again: I had to Google that to double check
And yes, I know I am glossing over the most important part: Riccione is on the Adriatic Sea…not an ocean.
La situatione!: Mike sees his Italian doppelganger. Inevitably, Mike is going to be jailed for a sex crime of some sort. We should lock this guy up too just to be safe.
This is gonna end as well as a Snooki drunk dial to Jionni: The girls want to get hammered
After the whole Italy ocean thing, I just wanted to make sure we are all on the same page: Italy does not have a Caribbean island in it
An Italian man does not like the girls foul language and lets them know it: This isn’t really recap-worthy, but in my drunken notes on the episode I referred to him as Count Von Barenstein. I just found it funny that in my inebriated state I made the guy a mixture of Italian, German, Jewish, and chocolate cereal spokesmen
It’s like Sheen giving Kutcher acting advice: Snooki and Deena are too drunk for JWoww and Sam??? Really?
One person’s heaven is everyone else’s hell: Snooki and Deena are so drunk, they think they’re in heaven when music is played. Snooki falls into the bushes in case you were wondering
Shouldn’t we be giving credit to her for just having some on: Deena manages to dance so hard…wait for it…actually in her own words, “her underwears comes off”
(sigh) Yeah, you heard me right: “Underwears”
Sign you had too much to drink: Even Ronnie and the Situation are embarrassed by you
Don’t let the fun fool you: Ron is still dating Sam
It’s like a porn star judging a stripper: Drunk Snooki thinks a less drunk JWoww is acting like her mom
My apologies: I shouldn’t have used the word stripper. They prefer to be called grad students.
It’s a pre-requisite to become a D-list celebrity: Deena forgets to put underwears (her words again) on before heading out to the club
If only ‘cooka’ could solve the European debt crisis: Deena is dancing like she is wearing underwears and shows her vagina to all of Italy. Two observations from this: 1) Italian men will really look at any nude woman no matter how much vomit will immediately follow, and 2) the recession has prevented Deena from waxing…
Man, it’s been a while, but let’s update that definition of classy: “Showing nipple is one thing, but cooka is another” - Jwoww
Roberto Clemente must be so pissed right now: Taylor Lautner is wearing his jersey in the new movie no one over the age of 18 or has a penis is going to see
Forget the movie, we have a real contagion. Suddenly all the men of Riccione went blind: Snooki and Deena start making out…that or they are fighting over a cheeseburger
Move over Billy Shakespeare: “To be or not to be” is no longer the question. Sammi Sweethearts “are you really a lesbian Deena” has taken its place
For those keeping score at home: That’s two literary references. How many Jersey Shore recaps offer that?
Damn you Hollywood and porn: Why do you make us believe lesbians are hot??
Pun intended: The meatballs are committing cannibalism
That’s so weird, I was thinking the exact same thing: Pauly is mad that Ronnie is swacking his swack
Someone’s got to ask: What’s a swacker? I’m not even sure what a swacker does, but I guarantee Ronnie is definitely one
From Shakespeare to Urban Dictionary: Swacking is to steal/jack one’s swag and claim it as your own. Ronnie quit denying it…you’re a swacker. Now if someone could define swag for me…
And remember, death is not an option: 24 hours of 6 Hour Power commercials or 24 hours of keeping real with Xenadrine?
This is where the line is????: The roommates all judge Snooki for cheating on Jionni with Deena. Even Ronnie is giving a lecture on cheating. Yeah, you read that right
To alcohol, the cause of…and solution to…all of life’s problems: The girls spend the night in bed together, and may have hooked up. Since they blacked out only the MTV production crew can answer this for us. Deena doesn’t remember if they did sex.
I'll make a batch of the poison Kool-aid: MTV, to prevent a mass suicide, please don't tell us if Deena did sex with Snooki
Even Michaela Salehi is embarrassed, and she was in the news for bagging a guy from Journey: Between underwears and doing sex, I’m really starting to worry Deena may have some learning disabilities
I hate to be redundant, but that’s where the line is??? Snooki confesses to Jionni about her lesbian tryst. Considering how mad he gets when she opens her mouth, you would expect this to end the relationship. For someone reason he doesn’t care about lesbionics. Bottom line: dudes love lesbians.
Unreported fact I: Jionni has never actually seen Deena, and would end up hating lesbians
Unreported fact II: Jionni clearly has never actually looked at Nicole, because he would hate lesbians even more
Gives a new meaning to the pokey (zinger!): The Meatballs hang out in the garbage cans in what can only be assumed is to enact a prison love scene. These girls are dumb as rocks.
A second apology: That’s not fair to rocks
Would you even need the previews to guess how this scene ends?: Two hungover idiots that hid under garbage cans are driving around town
It’s going to take a lot more than 15 minutes to fix this: Snooki rams into the back of a cop car, and an ambulance has to transport the cops away
Which one surprises you more (Neither is an acceptable answer): The fact that Snooki doesn't have her license or that the cops gave her a breathayzer during the day?
If only Taxis had son aqui!: Snooki gets arrested for her accident
Bonus Jersey Shore Aftershow Recap! (real quick high/low points)
Her next job is co-anchoring Fox and Friends: Whoever is running the aftershow asks if Snooki has street cred for getting arrested in Italy
Even methheads feel bad: JWoww somehow lost even more of her face…she can’t smile like a real person anymore
Oh…My…God: Deena still is saying underwears
Another reason the Chinese are going to take over: The audience gave Mike a standing O
Sign you probably had sex with Situation: Even Roger thought it was a bad idea for Snooki to hang out with Mike
And I thought the British were witty: Mike gives the “blow by blow” of his hookup with Snooki
Did she need a to kneel on a phone book?: More witty Mike…Snooki went from 4’9” to 2’9”
Because that’s what normal people do: Snooki, there is no way you were having a casual conversation with Mike in the same room that Ryder was banging Unit
Where’s Judge Judy when you need her: Can we get a verdict on this Mike and Snooki thing? I say it’s true because Snooki’s stories (yes, it constantly changes) makes as much sense as the people who claim the moon landing never happened or that Obama was born in Kenya