Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Guess who's back, back again... B with a Jersey Shore recap!

I'm going to press 911, and keep my finger near the send button just to be safe:  Hey, Sam's back!

Translation for "I totally found what I was looking for when I went home for one week":  Shit, I don't want to end up like Angelina!

What a waste of a good batch of Ron Ron juice:  Adios Single Ronnie!

Deena's definition of "hastatic":  When you're super happy and...really happy

Actual definition of "hastatic":  Someone that is a fucking retard

Example of someone who is hastatic:  Oh my god Deena, I'm totally excited about Sammie coming back also.  I mean, you only knew her for like 3 three weeks...and I'm totally going to forget the part about how you hated her during that first week....not to mention she wasn't around the third week...but you two totally connected during that middle week.  I totally love her also and missed her just as much...

It's like falling in love with the stripper:  Snooki it's just not a good idea to have feelings for Vinny

Vinny's already on TV girls:  He has no reason to sleep with Snooki now, so stop pushing him to do it Sammie.  That goes for you too JWoww.

Nickname that has nothing to do with literature:  Moby Dick, the name Snooki has given to Vinny's penis

Side effects of Xenadrine include:  Looking like a massive douche.  Come on Ronnie, quit following Sammie around like you're Siamese twins.  Even Charlie Sheen is embarrassed for you.  Winning?  No.

I spoke too soon:  Are those tears Ron? 

Guys, you do know what the "smush" in smush room means right?:  Vinny and Pauly D bring back two Dominicans (thanks for clarifying that Vinny), and decide to take them back to the same the same time...while the guest room was empty

I'd ask Snooki to spell hypocrite, but that would be cruel:   You can't bring Bernard back for a roll in the hay, and then get mad at Vinny for doing the same thing

Cleanest moment of the night:  JWoww pees in the street, and it gets on Deena's foot.  I'm serious about the cleanest moment...

Best impression of James Brown's mugshot:  Hungover Snooki the day after she professed her love to Vinny

Best impression of a DUI:  Deena driving...sober

Viewer discretion is finally advised:  How is that toilet still broken? And why does it look like it has been used recently?  I'm looking in your direction Deena...

Hey Danny, you realize you own the house?:  You're going to trust 8 idiots who became rich overnight to fix a toilet??

You know I don't speak Spanish!:  It took me five minutes to figure out a wifebeater was flushed down the toilet.  I still don't know what they were calling it.  Something "G.... tee".  How is it MTV can let everyone know Deena licks buttholes, but they can't tell me the name of the shirt that clogged the toilet.  I feel so hastatic right now...

Better supporting character:  Sammie or the dirty broken toilet?

Cleaner supporting character:  The broken toilet or Roger?

More repulsive moment for the plumbers:  Fixing the toilet or getting hit on my Snooki?

I guess we can all laugh about the letter in Miami:  Snooki has sober night with Ronnie and Sam.  She really must be depressed about Vinny to hang out with these two

The best part of waking moldy cheese in your room:  No, I wasn't make a Snooki joke.   Sammie, Ronnie, and Snooki play a prank on Mike and spread a cornucopia of cheeses under his sheets.  I assume this smells better because Ronnie sleeps in the same room, and would be committing prank suicide otherwise.  Then again...

That's what I love about these high school girls, man.  I get older, they stay the same age:  Hey Mike, when a girl says she's 21 but quickly adds that her hair is a different color in the ID, you might want to run as far away as you can...

Mike is clearly hastatic:  If the girl really smelled like cheese, getting a BJ is just a bad idea..

Maybe Deena has the right idea:  Yes Mike, you can get an STD from that orifice also...

Penicillin is so 20th century:  Why wash your STD covered sheets, when you can just just shoot some body spray on them?

There's no business like show business:  Wait, all I have to do to get on TV is blow the guy from Dancing with the Stars, while being accused of having a yeast infection?

No one puts Vinny in a corner:  Snooki apologizes to Vinny for the whole feelings thing, and agrees he can smush in the house.  Thank god, because without the shenanigans of Vinny and Pauly D this show wouldn't be watchable.  Now find Vinny some Dominicans ASAP...


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  2. They were calling it a "Guinea tee." God, I hate myself for knowing that...