Friday, March 18, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Thanks to B, I'll be singing "I put my hand up on your hip..." all day after reading this.

J Shore Recap (The When I Dip You Dip We Dip Edition)

It's like the sequel to My Cousin Vinny:  Pauly D and Vinny go on a road trip to Vinny's parents house in Staten Island.  Can Joe Pesci come along??

Let's tell him about Manhattan later:  Vinny didn't know Staten Island was an actual island.

Like an actual circus, with more noise and freaks:  Vinnie tabs his visit as a guido circus because so many people are there to welcome him and Pauly D.

Is the toilet broken again??:  Mike gets ditched again by the group.  To get even, he lets JWoww's dogs gorge on old pizza, peanut butter, and other leftovers so they can piss and defecate all over the house.  Good friend.

"A man is but a product of his thoughts.  What he thinks, he becomes":  Great point Gandhi, because I've always thought Mike was a piece of shit

You think they would be used to the smell of shit by now:  Considering the group left a toilet full of feces for two weeks, you'd think the smell of dog poop wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Detective Deena and the case of the dog poop:  Deena, using her excellent powers of deduction, determines Mike let the dogs out.  This is the same girl who failed to realize it should not take an hour and a half to get to a location 10 miles away from your house.  See maps:
        Exhibit A: 
        Exhibit B:

Hey, I thought you died!:  Uncle Nino's back, and he still hasn't figured out the top 4 buttons to a shirt.

Not on the list, a college degree:  Whoever Snooki has babies with must have a vowel at the end of their last name...and be tan.

It's about time Vinny completed the GTL trilogy:  Vinny pops his spray tan cherry.  Congrats buddy!

Remember when I said I found myself....just kidding:  Sam lets her guard down and smooches Ronnie a few times.  This is such a shitty merry-go-round.

Talk about a crappy insurance plan:  Snooki drunkenly cuts herself, and is tended to by Dr. Nick (not a real doctor).  As repayment, he gets it in.  I'm going to assume Vinny will start crying in response

Things I see no need to remember:  JWoww is driving the group when they spot Roger in his car.  She tries to get his attention, but he ignores her.  The roommates think he was with a girl, and was giving her “the dip”

Guido Ebonics:  What the hell is the dip?  How do they all know what it means?

Get Detective Deena on the case:  Was Roger with a girl?  Is he cheating on JWoww?  Do you think he knows what the dip is?  I hope JWoww gives him a chance to explain...

You used the ellipsis Bill, I'm guessing that's not what happened:  Very good, you must have gone to Deena's Detective School.  JWoww gets Rogers voicemail and rips him a new one.  It would be so embarrassing if it turned out he actually didn't do anything wrong...

Wait, you just used the ellipsis again!:  Oh man, did I ever.  It turned out Roger was by himself, didn't see JWoww, and never gave anyone "the dip".  Roger turns the tables on Jenni, who can't help but feel ridiculous getting torn a new one while talking on a phone in the shape of a duck.

It's amazing what someone can discover in one week:  Ronnie decides to un-find himself and tries to get back together with Sam. 

Is the bar set a little low?:  Sam sees significant changes in Ronnie.  It's true, he has not thrown any furniture around in the three days since she returned...

I assume she means for her life:  Sam says she is scared about getting back together with Ron.

Who's up for a trip to Times Square???:  Oh wait, they're really going to Jenkinsons this time.

Seriously now Deena and Snooki:  How did it take you so long to figure out you weren't heading to Jenkinsons?

No, really:  How hastatic are you two?

Duuuuuuuuh Duh:  Mike sees his old friend Arvin at Karma.  Arvin tells Mike he's there to meet Sam.

Duuuuuuuuh Duh:  Arvin shows Mike the text messages to prove it.  Mike shows the roomies.

Dududududududududududu:  The girls confront Sammie, who denies it all.

Dudududuhhhhhhhhhhhhh:  Ronnie finds out what is going on. 

I'm also not a professor, but let me do my best to explain BBM:  If a message exists, someone (i.e. Sam) needs to type the message and send it.  The message comes from a person's phone number (i.e. Sam's phone number).  You can even include your picture in the message (i.e. like Sam did).  In other words, you're busted.

Hang on, you are a "celebrity":  Just claim your phone got hacked!  Hmmm, outside of a group of 13 year-old girls from Upper Saddle River, no one likes you enough to care what your number is.  Damn!

I thought he was "that guy Arvin":  Now Sam claims to know Arvin from home.

This story is collapsing faster than Two and a Half Men:  Now Sam is claiming to have known Mike longer than Arvin?

I'm no lawyer but...:  How are you going to get around the content of the text messages?

I bet Xenadrine is looking for a new spokesmen:  Ronnie tells Sam he is done.  He also tells her "I had all the chances in the world to bring back the hottest girl in the club, but was at home crying like a little bitch".

Sam is doing her best impression of Ron:  She tries to shift the blame on Mike.  Fish aren't biting...

It's like rain on your wedding day (or quite possibly a free ride after you already paid):  If anyone could help Sam get herself out of this situation, it would be Ronnie.  

Snooki, will you please teach Ronnie about analogies:  Yes, Sam technically got her hand caught in a metaphorical cookie jar.  And yes, it would be accurate to say she had crumbs on her lips.  But it's no bed frame to narrow hallway is to large penis and pinhole.

Couldn't have said it better myself Pauly:  I will kill myself if Ron and Sam stay together.

Ron, you're really sending mixed messages here:  Don't tell Sam to go home, and then prevent her from moving. 

On top of not being a doctor, lawyer, or professor, I'm also not a cop...:  But you might want to tone down the intensity Ron.  You're getting awfully close to assault here.  Can we get the roommates on standby in case things get ugly...

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