Monday, August 8, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!  This time for a season full of ridiculousness in Italiaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Here's B with a fab recap of episode 1.

Ciao!  Welcome to Italy everyone.   At a time when America's status in the world is being questioned, MTV decided to drop the biggest A-bomb in its arsenal and send the Jersey Shore to Florence.   Deena can't wait to Jersey Turnpike the clubs in Italy.   Ronnie can't wait to be the same height as everyone.   JWoww can't wait to give the Pope an STD.  What could possibly go wrong with this trip?  As Snooki would say in Italian "aye dios mio!"

In fairness, George W. Bush thought the same thing
:   Snooki, Europe is not the big country with Britain and France.   In fact, it's not a know what nevermind  

In fairness, a 14 year old boy thinks the same thing:  Vinny, those four hairs on your face don't constitute a beard

I'll take the over on that
:  Deena says she won't "do sex" in Italy

Virgins are people too: That guy taking the passport photos was a little too happy to get a photo of the Jersey Turnpike. 

You guys actually know where you're going right?:  "Gracias" is not Italian for thank you.

I don't think JWoww has to worry about coming back from Italy different:  Plastic doesn't degrade that quickly

Were you expecting someone named Barack or Corey?:  Snooki's boyfriend is named Jionni.  Which brings us to the next question...

Is that really how you spell Jionni?:  (Shrugging my shoulders)

I think her other motto was "never turn down seconds":  Sam says her motto is not to sit around, cry and sulk

Stop me if you heard this before:  Ron Ron says he is looking forward to single Ronnie.   Uhhh, you were supposed to stop me.  Pay attention, we haven't even gotten to Italy yet!

You guys know they sell things in Italy right?:  JWoww brought 10 cans of bronzer, everyone brings blow dryers and straighteners that are the wrong voltage, and Sitch (9 suitcases) and Snooki (8 suitcases) packed everything from their rooms in their parents homes.

For the last time, you're in Italy:  You can't swap your dollars for pesos 

Is it just me...:  Or does JWoww look like Skeletor from He-Man.   Google Skeletor if you don't know who he is.  I'll wait.

I thought that was Deena's job:  Vinny is way too excited about the bidet

Like a shorter, more rotund, clutzier, boobier, turn-piking version of Albert Einstein:  Deena's explanation on voltage conversion made as much sense as her posing face down, ass up for the passport guy

Looks like Sam and Ronnie have something else in common:  Ronnie sits on an end table...and it promptly breaks.  Fatass.

How the "mighty" have fallen:  Sitch is digging Snooki for some reason.   He also claims they smushed in LA while Snooks was dating Gianni-however-the-hell-you-spell-it.  Ronnie is sworn to secrecy...I assume because Mike doesn't anyone to know he slept with the she-beast

How do you say "I'd rather see Final Destination 5" in Italian...:  Because I'd rather see Final Destination 5 before watching Ron and Sam get back together.

Why were you trying to learn Italian when you can't speak English???:  It's a carousel girls.  Not a ferris wheel or a carowheel.  

Cue creepy foreshadowing horror movie music
:  Deena wants to be smush buddies with Pauly D.  There's no way he'd fall for it...

People I would trust over Snooki driving me around in Italy:  A drunk driver

More people I would trust over Snooki driving me around in Italy:  Helen Keller (present day version, and yes, I know she's been dead for 43 years.)

Things I lied about:   I actually had no clue Helen Keller has only been dead for 43 years.  I had to Wikipedia it.

You couldn't find a place within walking distance?!?!:  None of you can find Italy...on a map of Italy, yet you're going to drive yourselves to breakfast??

One down, two to go:  They found G!  T&L, they're on the way.

I bet the feeling is mutual:  Deena hates birds, and wants them off their roof.   What's perplexing is you would think the lifelike scarecrow that resembles JWoww would scare them away.

Wait, what?!?!:  That's actually JWoww?  Did she donate 20 pounds to Sammie?

Taxis Son Aqui!:  It's just fun to say...even if it's Spanish
Thank god, we can finally retire the vuvuzela:  Grenade Horn!

Vinny is the Ambassador to Smush:   No one speaks Italian except Vinny.  This makes it really hard to hit on women...  

Then again:   I can't think the language barrier will be the hold-up here.  Smush probably doesn't translate well in Italian.

Original definition of "rock bottom":  At the lowest possible level

New definition of "rock bottom":  Getting rejected by Snooki.  Sorry Situation

(Record Scratching):   Pauly D is making out with Deena.  Actually, Deena is licking Pauly D's tongue.  Pauly D has the same face someone does when a dog licks their face.

And remember death is not an option:  Pauly D and Deena smushing or Situation and Snooki smushing.

If only death were an option:  Ronnie and Sammie getting back together (you just know it will happen)

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