Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

(Pauly D voice) RECAPS ARE HERE!!!

Give an inch, they take a mile:  A guy tries to be friendly and let a girl lick his tongue and bite his lip, and the next thing you know she thinks she can go right ahead and “make sex” with you.

Wait...Snooki what did I just agree to?:   Snooki to Pauly D: "You should fuck Deena".   Pauly D to Snooki:  I'm probably going to."

If Timberlake and Kutcher can't make it work, Deena can't either:  Friends with benefits is just a bad idea.

Timberlake and Kutcher didn't make it work right?:  I never saw either movie.

Wait, does up mean down now?  Do cats and dogs get along?   Are we friends with the beat now???:   JWoww is the voice of reason about Deena and Pauly D.

I don't think Ronnie understands the meaning of "single":  Even if you're just trying to make Sam jealous, flying a girl to Italy probably means you're dating.

Why is Deena still wearing heels at home??:  She can't walk to begin with, so why make it more complicated?  It's like hopping in the shower even though the serial killer is still on the loose in your neighborhood.   Why tempt it?

If I don't die the first time most likely I'll do it again...so hopefully I'll die that first time:  Deena keeps trying to do sex with Pauly D.  She even stands over his bed pants less.   Pauly D tries every trick in the book to save himself (including fake sleeping).  Looks like you're gonna half to turnpike it with Pierre tonight Deena.

You know I don't speak Spanish:   How dare the Italians label their food in Italian.

Do I hear a future John Mayer song here...:  You're right Jianni and Snooki, long distance is really hard...especially on the first full day of long distance.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman:  Mike, that's a lot of leg rubbing.  Are you trying to start a fire on Snooki's thighs?  Err, on second thought don't answer that.

There's a New Mexico?:  The Vatican is not in Florence...

Was the mafia unavailable: They’re working at a pizzeria??

I immediately regret this decision:  E-list celebrities on a TV show no one has heard of in your country can only help business right Marco?

Oh, so they have the internet on computers now:  Yes JWoww, coffee is hot.

If something's hard to do, it's not worth doing: Hitting on Italian women is difficult when you don't speak Italian or know the first thing about Italy.  Thankfully Situation meets an American girl named Brittany.   If she's talking to Situation, I bet she spells it  B-r-i-t-n-e-y with a heart as the dot in the i. 

If Ronnie was a guy, we'd totally be congratulating him:   Since he's a whiny pain in the ass though, I don't care that he was with 4 girls in 3 days back in the states. Plus he tells Sam, and we know how that's going to go over.

It must have been some other guy in a helmet:  I hear ya Deena.  Who hasn't confused the person they were gaming on in the club minutes prior to a uniformed police officer?  At least you didn't fall!


Not the endorsement the lollipop industry is looking for:   Britney comes back and gives Mike a "blow pop".   In related news, Deena attempts to give Pauly D a Tootsie Pop...

Britney time to learn some Italian:  Done blowing Mike?  Great, put your clothes on because Taxis son aqui!

That's statistically impossible:   Wait, Mike is still hitting on Snooki?   Two guys want Snook now? 

Call me Nostradamus:   Situation, meet Dr. Drew.   Dr. Drew, meet the Situation.  You guys should stay in touch...

Even newer definition of "low point":  Getting denied by Snooki AND having Deena not want to cuddle with you

Uh, you know they have cameras in your room...:  Mike denies trying to cuddle with Deena...even though we all saw him try and cuddle with Deena.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen:  We've found L!   T, we're on the way...

Italy for idiots:  All together now...the Vatican isn't in Florence.

While we're at it:  The Sistine Chapel is not in the Vatican.

And since I still have your attention:  Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. 

Jiminy Cricket is probably rolling over in his grave...:   Fist-pumping Pinocchio

Look, is it weird if two guys get in a small hot tub that isn't big enough for two, and the hot tub has jets that push the guys closer together, and the hot tub shoots out neon mood lighting, and they jokingly refer to it as the Lovecuzzi?  Is it weird?:  Actually, yes.

Thoughts going through Britney's dad's head right now:   DTF means what?  I sent her to college for that???

Thoughts going through Britney's head right now:   I finally got my dad's attention!

This is like déjà vu all over again:  Sam misses Ronnie.  Sam still has feeling for Ronnie.  Sam wants to go cuddle in Ronnie's bed.   I want to vomit (particularly on Ronnie's bed...when he is in it...with Sam)

The Xenadrine finally worked!:   Ronnie is actually keeping it real.  He shoots down Sammie.   USA!  US...I mean Italia!  Italia!

Crap, I knew I forgot to pack something:   Sammie, I think you left your self-respect back in New Jersey

She's too young if...:  She signs the release form and agrees to let her face be shown on TV after she slept with you.  I think you forgot that one boys.  Until next week...