Monday, August 29, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Recaps son aqui!!!!!! - Courtesy of B, also an INDIVIDUAL:

Hi, welcome back to the J Shore recap.   Why don’t you take a seat so we can chat for a minute:   In case you didn’t hear, Ron and Sam got back together.  Seriously.  No, I’m not kidding, that would be cruel.   I’ll give you a few seconds to comprehend this…
Which one are you again?:  I am individual!  AN INDIVIDUAL!  I hooked up with two people in the cast, not one!   And one was a girl.   INDIVIDUAL!
There’s no I in t-e-a-m:  Vinnie is upset that Deena pulled the robbery on Britney II
Counterpoint, there is a me in t-e-a-m:  Either Deena went all the way with Britney II, or she is a very loud, aggressive kisser
Were Joey Yanks and J420 busy?:  A guy named the Situation is telling a story about people named Snooki, Ryder (yes with a Y), and Unit…with consequences for Jionni
I’d hate to see the people’s runner-up:  Mike declares himself the people’s champ, and swears Snooki hooked up with him two months ago
Right, and Will and Jada aren’t getting a divorce:  Snooki continues to deny hooking up with Mike.  
Well, there was an earthquake in DC, so maybe Mike is telling the truth  Snooki never actually says she didn’t hook up with him.   “Mike knows I love Jionni” is not the same thing as “I did not hook up with Mike”
And I guess there’s going to be a hurricane in Manhattan, so Mike not lying isn’t totally insane:  There it is again…”Mike is trying to ruin my relationship” is not the same as “ewww, I would rather get punched in the ovary than hook up with Mike”
Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand:   Deena claims she only made out with Britney II…but just so you know, that still means you’re a lesbian
It’s like a double standard, if double standard meant something completely different:   Deena, the boys are giving you a hard time because you hooked up with another girl.  If they bring boys home to hook up with, you go right ahead and give them hell
The truth shall set you free...but a good lie will keep things exactly the same:  Snooki takes the latter route and tells Jionni the untruth.  Jionni believes the untruth.  According to the scoreboard, that makes 2 people who believe Snooki’s version, and 5459800923850989034 people who believe Mike
Just imagine if they gave her the “awful waffle”:  The boys move Deena’s bed outside…she does not find the prank funny and has an anxiety attack.
You want the truth?   You can’t handle the truth!:  The girls throw an intervention on Deena, and accuses Vinnie and Pauly of being mean.  Somehow Pauly D flips this around on Deena, and tells her she has changed.  She used to be the coolest chick, and could take their jokes and give them back.  Not so much now.
Pauly D pulled the robbery on the conversation:  Everyone agrees with his assessment, including Deena
Somehow this did not surprise me:  Every single girl Pauly D knows hooks up with girls 
Do I hear a new GTL:   Deena spends her days feeling alone, getting drunk, doing dumb shit, crying, and then drinking more
Chicken Soup for the Jersey Soul:  (pointing to Pauly) You move on, you fuck another girl, (pointing to Deena) she moves on…(editors note:  I added the directional pointing, because without it you wouldn’t know if this advice applied to everyone, or just Deena.   Try reading it without the directions.   You’ll agree)
Why god made TiVo:  The 6 Hour Power commercial
Italy’s the boot right?:  I’m actually impressed Snooki knew she wasn’t in Rome…
Snooki no function wine well without: Snooki pays someone to buy her and Deena wine while she’s working
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy:  Awww, Ron went and bought Sam a bunch of things, and is taking her on a date.  Maybe this time will be different.  Let’s cut to commercial and bask in their love…
Preview for following scene-Ronnie screaming at Sam:  Well then…
Signs your relationship might not work:  You take your girlfriend out on a nice date, yet hours before talk about flying a girl out to visit you
6 seconds:   Time it took MTV to say yes when Ronnie asked if they would fly Hannah out to Italy to visit him
And you thought the Sunday dinner was awkward:  Sam, I’d like you to meet Hannah.  She came to visit me in Italy after I got her ticket…
A moment even Charlie Sheen winced at:  Ronnie says “Winning” when Sam says they’re going to get it on
Move over Mussollini:  JWoww continues her quest to be the buzzkill of Italy, gives Ron her opinion of Hannah/Sam
Hey, the kid with the gay dad from Season 1 of the O.C. is in a movie!:  That was a special shout out to my O.C. recap readers from back in the day…
Ronnie’s right, you’d think after 5 years, Sam could be a different person:   Wait, what’s that?   He said 5 months?  Are you sure?  No one changes that much in five months.  I…I just assumed Ron meant years.   Really, 5 months?  Damnit.
More signs you might not work out as a couple:  You tell your “girlfriend” you’re going to check her
Even more signs you might not work out as a couple:  You accuse your girlfriend of trying to slow your roll. 
Sign that you’re not from Jersey:  You have no idea what “slow your roll” means..
(Nodding silently):  Pauly D points to Ronnie and says “that’s what happens when you take steroids”
The gift that keeps on giving:  What’s a guy to do at 4am when his hook-up falls through?   Call the girl with zero self-esteem.   See you in a few minutes Britney I!
I thought we were in the trust tree:  Sam tells Ronnie that Mike was selling him out.   This can only cement their friendship further…
Pauly D really called that one:  Or Ronnie could have a fit of ‘roid rage at Mike.   Easy bro, if anything, Mike did you a favor
I’d rather live in Libya then live with Ron and Sam:  That seems like a “too soon?” joke, but you‘re all nodding your heads in agreement right now.   Can you think of two people you hate more than those two?  
Maybe he just hates beds a lot:  Ronnie throws Mike’s bed out of the room.  I think this makes at least three times he’s done that to a bed…
Final sign you might not work out as a couple:  Thanks to the previews, I knew Ron was going to throw a bed and luggage around…I just naturally assumed it was Sam’s
Irene?  Psh, try Hurricane Situation:   Mike flips out on Ronnie, and starts flailing his arms and smacking the wall like a chimpanzee.   I was expecting him to throw his feces…

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