Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

Post hook-up check list:  Britney needs her shirt, Mike needs a cab, Britney’s dad needs to find a rope to hang himself
It’s like creatine for the liver:  Snooki has a glass of wine before going to the gym with Ronnie
Even Gerard Depardieu thinks this is a bad idea:  Snooki no one else in America…or Italy…or Sweden… or Botswana wants Ron and Sam to be together
He’s showing her the clean and jerk:   Snooki’s can feel her trainers bulge as he shows her how to use a machine
Maybe waiter in Italian means prince:   Deena wants to do sex with an Italian waiter…
Maybe Deena in Italian doesn’t mean pudgy troll:   Otherwise, Elis the waiter is retarded.
No wonder he’s a waiter:   Wait, Elis came out to the club to meet Deena?   Idiot.
Every woman’s dream…tall, dark, and a minimal earning capacity:  Deena is making out with the waiter and jersey turnpiking him
I’m having déjà vu all over again…again:   Wait, there are two Britneys???  I know the second Britney is named Erica, but we’re calling her Britney II
Incest is best:  Mike wants to bring the twins home for a threesome

I love a good language barrier:   Deena, if you meet a waiter, jersey turnpike him at a bar, make out with him, then bring him home…you’re semplice

I bet the offer just tripled:  Mike is wearing Abercrombie as he brings home twins and tries to hook up with the gnome named Snooki.

I think it’s more like a rescue:  Vinnie and Pauly D are cockblocking Deena...or saving the waiter

Then how’d he be a waiter?:  Elis ran out of the house so fast the next morning, you have to think he was contemplating chewing his own arm off to free himself

At one point, people claimed the world was flat:   Britney II claims to be a virgin

Q: Guess who’s talking, Ron or Sam:  “I am not that girl from Jersey”   A:   Not sure, could be either

Seriously, I’m the white Miss Cleo:   Ron claimed in episode 1 he would not get back together with Sam.  I said it would only be a matter of time before they got back together (it’s true, check the last line of recap 1)… In episode 3, Ron gets back together with Sam 

Dear Ronnie, I hate you:  Signed, Ron’s balls

Q:  What’s the difference between Ron and Sam's relationship in Italy this time?  A:   Nothing

Ok, and Angelina isn’t a prostitute right now:  Ronnie claims he will not fight with Sam this time

Isn’t Sammi going to be mad that Ron is flying a girl to Italy now that they’re back together?:   (nodding gleefully)

Just calling a spade a spade:   Vinnie on Ron and Sam getting back together, “We’ve set ourselves back several months”

We interrupt this recap for an important notice:   We are back to beating the beat.  I repeat, the beat is our enemy!

It’s fitting, because it feels like a funeral to everyone else:  Ron and Sam only wear black when they date

Like a lesbian Bonnie and Clyde:  Deena pulls the robbery on Sitch and takes Britney II home.  Since Deena could pass for an ugly dude or an even uglier chick, she can be Bonnie or Clyde.

Nope, I’m pretty sure that’s called being a lesbian:  Deena claims to be bi-curious, but still loves penis.  Then she hooks up with Britney II

Woman I’d rather go lesbian for than Deena:  Aunt Jamima

More woman I’d rather go gay for than Deena:  Mrs. Butterworth

Food I’m craving right now:  Pancakes

Remember, death is not an option:  Sleep with Mike or sleep with Deena

Another woman I’d rather go gay for than Deena:  Ronnie, that little bitch

Oh to be a fly on the wall:   I wish I could hear the conversation when Britney I and Britney II’s father heard about what happened in Italy.  “Uh, remember what I told you last time, how it couldn’t get any worse?   Uh….I don’t know how to say this…Britney went back to sleep with that guy again.”

Not again, that guy had a lightning bolt shaved into his head.  That’s all right?:  “Ooh, this is awkward, but Britney II was there.   And she started hooking up with one of the roommates.   I think it was a girl, but it also might have been Willow.  I don’t, it was hard to tell.   Whatever it was looked really weird. “  

Not my sweet virgin Britney II?:  “ Yeah right, virgin…good one.   So, after hooking up with the she-beast, she took her pants off and got in bed with another one of those guys.  The skinny one without the blowout”

(Mortified look on B squared’s face):  “ Here’s the thing though, the she-beast got hungry again, and grabbed Britney II and brought her back in bed to eat her face.   Then when she was done with her, she sent her back to the skinny guy. Here’s the kicker…Britney II took her pants off and obliged…”


Things that Britney I and Britney II’s dad did to anger the karma god’s:   Murdered a hobo

More things that Britney I and Britney II’s dad did to deserve this:  50 years ago, he slept with twins on network TV’s favorite reality show “Coney Island Shore”

In fairness, you have to be a guy to follow the bro code:  Ronnie tells JWoww and Sam about Mike and Snooki

Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re exactly that person:   Mike claims to be the kind of person who wouldn’t cross another

Hey look, it’s JWoww!:  Glad you could check in this episode.  Thanks for telling Snooki about the Mike thing

Yeah right, and Britney II’s a virgin:   Snooki says she did not fuck Mike

No seriously, you’re exactly that person:   Mike claims he doesn’t lie about stuff

Thing that did not surprise me in last night’s episode:  Snooki has a friend named Unit

Saddest moment of my day:  I think I believe the Situation on this one.

Situation 8:32:   Move over John, if anyone asks me, “the Truth shall set you free” is now credited to Situation Nation

Another thing that didn’t surprise me:  Mike left Britney I for several hours by herself.  She immediately fucked him when he returned.    

Until next week…scan your newspapers to see if B Squared’s dad was involved in double murder suicide!

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